


Don't Die

by larryspangel



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-23
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-05-03 00:39:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5270012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larryspangel/pseuds/larryspangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You're bleeding.” The voice was too loud for the echoes of the bathroom and Hinata almost didn't recognize his voice through his shock.</p>
<p>TRIGGER WARNING: IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY SELF-HARM AND/OR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS THEN PLEASE DO NOT READ.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Die

Practice had just ended and Tsukishima ran straight into the school bathrooms, avoiding the locker room ones. He took deep breaths in and out, then slammed his fist against the stalls. 

“Damnit!” he yelled as he sunk to the ground. He put his head between his knees and let tears slowly fall down onto the ground. Thoughts were swarming through his head--thoughts about not being good enough, about being a mess, about being useless, about being a worthless piece of shit. He slammed his fist down on the ground and stood up. He looked at his tear-stained face in the mirror and glared at it. 

He looked down to his gym bag and shakily went to reach inside of it. He pulled out a small box, tucked into the corner of his bag, and opened it. The only thing in the box was a small razor. He reached for it and rolled up his shorts, revealing many scars up and down his thigh. He let the razor hit his skin and slowly dragged it across. He continued doing that again and again and again. The more tears that fell down his face, the more cuts he would create, each time getting harsher and harsher. His vision was blurry and all he was focussing on was the pain. He let his mind go blank and let the pain overtake everything.

“You're bleeding.” The voice was too loud for the echoes of the bathroom and Hinata almost didn't recognize his voice through his shock. His original panic and embarrassment had quickly subsided in favor of shock and fear at the red dripping down the sides of Tsukishima’s legs.

Noticing the blade in the blonde’s hand, his eyes widened to saucers and Hinata spoke once more, voice quivering from unshed tears. “Please stop.”

Tsukishima slowly looked up to see Hinata standing in front of the door to the bathroom. The first thing that came to Tsukishima’s mind was, how could he make this look like an accident. At this point, an excuse wasn’t going to work. He stood up all the way, letting the blood run down into his sock. He tried to make out words, but he just stood there in silence looking at Hinata. 

Hinata watched the red lines racing down, down, down Tsukishima’s leg, partly transfixed and partly scared to make eye contact. When he finally looked up, Hinata flinched at the dead look in Tsukishima’s eyes. His mouth opened with a firm “No.” as his feet shot forward and he tried to grab the blade from Tsukishima, slicing open his own hand in the process. Hinata drew back with a hiss of pain. “Crap!”

Tsukishima’s eyes widened as he saw Hinata holding his hand in pain. “You idiot!” Tsukishima yelled with a mix of worry and panic in his voice. “You don’t go grabbing for sharp objects like that. Here, run your hand under some water and go get it bandaged up. If the others are there, just tell them that you fell. They would believe that. Now leave me alone and try not to do anything else stupid on the way.”

“No! You're the stupid one!” Hinata fired back. He grabbed Tsukishima’s shirt and turned to leave, ready to drag Tsukishima with him. “You're way worse. You come too!” he ordered.

Tsukishima wouldn’t budge an inch. “You’re going to stretch out my shirt if you do that,” Tsukishima told Hinata, completely emotionless. “Just go get your hand bandaged. I can handle myself. It’s just some blood, I’ll live...sadly,” he said, mumbling the last part so Hinata wouldn’t hear him.

“Too bad.” Back and arms straining with the effort, Hinata added his injured hand to the process, fisting the T-shirt with both hands, but drew back immediately, sucking in a quick, pained breath. Hinata stared from his palm to the blood now soaked into Tsukishima’s shirt, then up to hold Tsukishima’s gaze. “I'm sorry,” he offered, obligatorily but added, “But I'll probably get more on you since you won't move.”

Tsukishima shot him a glare. “Look, shorty, I do this all the time. I know how to handle myself in these types of situations. I don’t need to get all bandaged up or whatever. I’ll just wipe it clean and be on my merry way. Now, go run your hand under the water and go get bandaged up. You already ruined my shirt, the least you can do is listen to me.”

Slightly cowed by their significant height difference, Hinata hesitated, but crossed his arms resolutely. “No.”

“Fine then, go bleed. But you need to be able to play volleyball and if you don’t bandage it up soon, it will get infected and you won’t be able to play. I need to get home, so if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to clean up and leave,” Tsukishima said, soaking one of the paper towels with water and washing off his thigh with it.

Still refusing to move, Hinata watched the whole process, eyes growing larger as they took in the telltale traces of faded scars. “You have so many,” he whispered without thinking. He reached a hand into empty space as though he could feel every bump and line through the air.

“Eh, I don’t have too many. A lot of them have faded over the past year and a half,” Tsukishima said, motioning to all of the scars that marked up his thigh. “I used to do it on the other, but scarred tissue is harder to break, so I just switched legs until those heal more,” Tsukishima told Hinata, like it was nothing important. 

Biting his lip in concern, Hinata replied bluntly, “That’s bad.” He took in the scars, the red stains in Tsukishima’s sock, as well as his own blood--bright red against the white of Tsukishima’s t-shirt. “You should stop.”

“No thank you. I appreciate your advice, but I’ll stick to what I do. It’s not like it affects you or anyone else. It’s really nothing to worry about, it is me we are talking about here. Everyone hates me on the team, so I don’t see why you seem all worked up about it,” Tsukishima said, throwing away the paper towels he had used to clean up his blood.

“What are you talking about? People don’t hate you. Sure, Kageyama gets annoyed sometimes, but he doesn’t hate you. Also, how about Yamaguchi? Isn’t he your best friend? Does he know about this?”

“Yamaguchi doesn’t know and you won’t tell him. If you tell him, I’ll make sure you don’t get to start in the games. Besides, it would hurt him and I don’t want that…” Tsukishima said, looking down.

“If you know it’s wrong and hurts people, why would you do it?” Hinata asked, sadly. 

“If I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t have a way to stop the pain. I wouldn’t be able to deal with life without it and I can hardly deal with life now in general.” 

“Tsukishima, that isn’t healthy…” Hinata used the whole of his name and spoke quietly, as though to a skittish animal. “You should talk to someone.”

“I don’t want to. I told you, I’m fine. This helps me, so I don’t need to talk to anyone. Now, go get your hand wrapped and leave me alone.”

“But what about your leg?” Hinata protested once more.

“It won't kill me, so who cares?” Tsukishima said, annoyed. 

“I do!” Hinata shouted, fed up now. He tried to grab one of Tsukishima’s wrists, fully determined to forcibly drag the boy out of the room if that was what it took.

Tsukishima wouldn’t budge--he just stood there, watching Hinata attempt to drag him. “Hinata, please stop,” Tsukishima said quietly, keeping his face down as tears started to fall.

Hinata did, arm falling but his hand still loosely wrapped around Tsukishima’s wrist. “That’s not--No, wait--Um!” he babbled out, panicked by the tears. “But I wanna help,” he cried out, whimpering slightly. He was just trying to help. Why was Tsukishima crying?!

“I don’t want help, I want to do this to myself. Hinata, I don’t even want to be here in general, so please stop acting like you care...please,” Tsukishima said, not making eye contact, tears still falling down his face.

“Will you--Will you feel better if I leave?” Hinata asked quietly, slowly drawing his hand away from Tsukishima’s.

“I--um…” Tsukishima couldn’t speak. He started feeling dizzy, realizing he had lost more blood than he thought. He started slipping and all of the sudden, he was on the floor. 

“Tsuki!” Hinata reached and retracted his hands quickly, not sure of what to do. “Uh. Uh!” He vibrated with panic and leaned down close to Tsukishima. “What do I do now?!?” he asked desperately.

Tsukishima blinked open his eyes and saw Hinata panicking beside him. “Mhm fine,” he said, trying to stand, but falling down again. “Just give me a m-minute, I’ll be able to st-stand.”

“Uh, wait. Are you supposed to? Is that a good idea? What should I--” he whipped his head around frantically. What was he supposed to do?!?

Tsukishima started to tear up again. “This wouldn’t have fucking happened if I was dead,” Tsukishima muttered, hoping Hinata wouldn’t hear him.

Hinata froze. Eyes wide, he stared straight into Tsukishima’s eyes and clearly spoke, “Why would you say that?”

Tsukishima shrugged and looked away. “Life would be better and easier for everyone. Plus, I want to be,” he muttered sadly. 

Without speaking, Hinata dug through his bag and pulled out his phone, pausing as he contemplated who best to call. He pressed the keypad and stopped on “Sugawara-san”.

Tsukishima’s eyes widened as he saw Hinata taking out his phone. “No, please don’t call anyone. No one can know. If people found out, I would have to stop and have no way to deal with the pain.” Tsukishima started panicking and tried reaching up to grab the razor from the sink, hoping maybe he could just end his life now.

Realizing his intent, Hinata pivoted on his heels and quickly snatched up the blade, standing in the doorway to the bathroom. “No,” Hinata said firmly. Forcing his eyes from Tsukishima’s desperate, pained ones, he told the wall, “I’m leaving to throw this away. I’m coming back though.” and walked out of the room, blade in hand.

Tsukishima started to break down, scratching at his cuts, trying to make them bleed again. He was sobbing by this point, asking himself why he was even alive.   
______________

Suga was wandering back from closing up the gym when he saw Hinata walking out of the bathroom and towards a trashcan. “Hey, Hinata! What are you still doing here,” Suga asked him. 

Hurriedly hiding the hand holding the razor behind his back, Hinata mustered up a wooden smile and replied, “Oh, I’m just, er, I’m about to go home!”

“Same here! Do you want to walk out together?” Suga asked, smiling at him.

“Oh! Um, thanks! But, uh, I really really need to pee! So you should probably go first!” Hinata offered a sheepish smile and crossed his legs, bending over and bouncing a bit to back up his story, one hand still behind his back.

“I can wait for you if you want, it’s getting kind of dark,” Suga said, peering at Hinata’s hand behind his back. “Why are you holding your hand behind your back like that?” he asked, cautiously. 

Twisting his body so the blade was still hidden, Hinata spun around in response to Suga’s looking and answered nervously, “It’s a, uh, new stretch that...Tanaka-san taught me! He said it’s really good for my shoulder!” To prove his point, Hinata scrunched up his face and grunted.

“Hinata, what’s really going on?” Suga asked, bluntly. 

Hinata paused in the middle of spinning, half bent over and legs still crossed, to peer up at Suga. “...What do you mean?”

Suga heard sobs coming from the bathroom. “Hinata, you have five seconds to tell me what’s going on or you sit out next game.”

That got him moving. In his panic, Hinata fell onto the pavement face-first, the razor tumbling from his hand in the process.

Suga took one look at the razor and froze. “Who’s in the bathroom?” Suga asked, trying not to panic.

On the verge of tears himself, Hinata shook and whimpered out, “I’m sorry, Sugawara-san! I didn’t know what to do! I’m so so sorry! Please don’t be mad.” Each word becoming less coherent as he broke into waterworks.

Suga hurried to the bathroom only to see Tsukishima laying on the floor, bleeding slightly. His mouth dropped open, not knowing what to say. He rushed over to Tsukishima and gently squeezed his shoulder. “Tsukishima, are you with me?” He asked the crying first year. 

Tsukishima wanted to push Suga away, but the room was still spinning and his eyes were blurry with tears. “W-where’s Hina-ata?” he stuttered out. 

Before Suga could say anything, Hinata ran through the door with a panic look and tears in his eyes.

“I swear I didn’t say anything!” Hinata blubbered, bouncing up and down so fast he really did look like he needed to pee now.

“It’s okay, Hinata,” Tsukishima said, quietly.

Suga looked between the two of them, holding in his panic. “I need to call an ambulance. Crap, I left my phone in the gym. Can I borrow one of yours?” 

“No,” Tsukishima told him. 

“But, Tsukishima I-”

“Just leave me here to die!” Tsukishima yelled at him. He didn’t want to yell at Suga, but he needed to make his point. 

Hinata cut in while full-on crying on the floor. “I’m sor--I’m so--Tsuki--Suga--Don’t die, Tsuki!!!” he wailed.

Tsukishima started sobbing harder. He didn’t want anyone to know. “I’m sorry, this is all my fault--no one should have found out. I should have tried a long time ago. Then this wouldn’t have happened,” Tsukishima cried out, trying to scratch at his wounds some more.

“Hinata. Phone. Now,” Suga tried to say calmly, but it came out panicky. 

Patting himself down, Hinata broke into further hysterics upon coming up empty. In the midst of his crying, he managed out one coherent word, “outside”, which sent Sugaware flying out the door.

Tsukishima couldn’t stand to hear Hinata break down like this, Hinata shouldn’t even care. “Please don’t cry,” he told him, quietly. 

The locker room suddenly became much quieter as Hinata instantly slapped both hands over his mouth to muffle his crying. After a bit of that, he removed his hands to uncover his red face and a trembling lip. Mustering up as much calm as he could, Hinata promised, “I’m not crying.” before he bit down on his lip to choke back another sob.

“You must think I’m crazy, right? Not only am I known as an ass, but now a crazy suicidal person. Thank you for caring, Hinata, but it will hurt you more when I’m gone,” he said, quietly. Tsukishima just sat there, holding himself, tears sliding down his face. 

Still biting his lip, Hinata shook his head violently, fresh tears coming down. He hesitantly scooched forward a bit, paused, and then scooched some more. Taking a deep breath, he opened his mouth and froze a bit… “You’re not dying right?” he finally asked in a small, scared voice.

“Not at this very moment, sadly. Technically we are all dying though. Everyday we get closer to it. I just happen to want to make it happen as soon as possible,” Tsukishima told him, looking down towards the floor

Hinata shook his head again, slower but just as vehemently. “No. Tsuki needs to stay alive because I don’t want you to go,” Hinata protested, rubbing his face angrily with one sleeve to wipe away the tears.

Suga ran into the room. “The ambulance should be here soon, I just got off the phone with them.”

“What if I refuse to go?” Tsukishima asked, panicking at the thought of getting taken to some disease-ridden hospital. 

“You can’t refuse to go. You could try, but they will get out a syringe and knock you out and I doubt you want that,” Suga said, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Fine, but you aren’t sending me away to one of those crazy camps for sad teenagers,” he muttered, glaring at Suga.

“We are just getting you to a hospital. There will be no ‘crazy camps’, so no need to freak out more than you already are.”

Hinata bounded up to Suga and clutched his hands like a lifeline. “He’ll be okay?! He’s not gonna die, right?! Right???”

“He isn’t going to die. We won’t let him die, right? We are going to stay strong for him and help him through this,” Suga whispered to Hinata, lightly squeezing his hands.

Feeling surprisingly calmer, Hinata looked down at his and Suga’s joined hands, then to Tsukishima on the floor. Pulling his hands away, Hinata plopped back down next to Tsukishima and grabbed one of his hands. “I’m gonna be strong for you,” he explained confidently.

Tsukishima’s eyes widened, not expecting that. He didn’t really know what to say back, so he just nodded and softly squeezed Hinata’s hand. 

Suga heard the sounds of sirens coming closer. “That’s probably the ambulance! I’m going to direct them over here--stay put, you two,” he ordered, before taking off running.

Hinata tightened his hold of Tsukishima’s hand and whispered. “It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.” to both himself and Tsukishima.

Tsukishima doubted it, but nodded anyways. Suddenly, two men were rushing through the door with a stretcher, Suga close behind them.

Hinata squeezed Tsukishima’s hand even harder instinctively. When he refused to move, one of the medics asked firmly, but not unkindly, “Please move, kid. We need to get him on the stretcher.”

Hinata hesitated, searching Tsukishima’s face.

Tsukishima sighed. “It’s okay, Shouyou. I’ll be fine,” he reassured Hinata, not sure if he was really believing in what he was telling him.

Nodding, Hinata repeated those words beneath his breath and stepped aside to give the paramedics room.

He and Suga trailed them to the ambulance where Hinata automatically tried to step inside too.

An arm blocked his way and one of the men asked him, “Are you family?”

At the shake of his head, the medic frowned sympathetically but answered, “Then you can’t come, sorry.”

Brows furrowed, Hinata argued, “But I really should go! He’s, uh, he’s my boyfriend!”

Frown deepening, the medic turned to Tsukishima for confirmation. “That true?”

Tsukishima looked from the medic to Hinata then back at the medic. ”Yes?” 

The man narrowed his eyes a bit but nodded at Hinata anyway. The redhead gratefully bounded into the car and turned to talk to Suga. “It’ll be okay?” he asked once more.

“Of course,” Suga responded, nodding. “Can I have the name of the hospital, so I can head over there when I can?”

The medic responded, “Teiko Medical Center” before closing the doors of the ambulance.

Inside the vehicle, Hinata sat on the bench, staring at Tsukishima intensely. Possibly without realizing, he reached out as though to grab Tsukishima’s hand but pulled back so the medics could do their thing.

Tsukishima answered the questions they asked, like how he got hurt and so on. He wasn’t completely honest, but he still answered them, as unwilling as he was. They finally reached the hospital and wheeled him inside, Hinata trailing close behind. 

The EMTs wheeled Tsukishima into a room and placed him onto the bed. “The nurse should be with you in a bit,” One of the medics said, before leaving.

Overwhelmed by all the hospital stuff, Hinata whipped his head all around himself, morphing back into panic. “Tuskitsukitsuki you're gonna be good right???”

“Hinata, calm down. It's all okay, we’re in the hospital now and I'm safe. I still don't get why you care so much, but thank you,” Tsukishima told him.

Hinata slowed his gaze down, eyeing the plain room and settled into a chair by the bed. Crossing his arms, he set his chin and turned to face the door. “I'll keep guard to protect you,” he announced.

Tsukishima chuckled and put a hand on Hinata’s shoulder. “You're sweet, Shouyou,” Tsukishima said, giving a weak smile. 

Hinata looked at Tsukishima’s hand for a beat, then scooted his chair a bit closer to the bed and grabbed the hand on his shoulder so he could hold it in one hand. Fixing his gaze back to the door, Hinata explained, “I'm guarding your hand”, his cheeks slightly pink.

Tsukishima gently ran his thumb over Hinata’s hand, blushing lightly. He had been avoiding this sort of contact for a long time and had forgotten how nice it was. Tsukishima let out a relaxed sigh, not hating the hospital as much anymore. 

Some of the stiffness loosened in Hinata and he relaxed into the chair, cheeks redder than before. He resolutely kept his eyes on the door.

The nurse walked in with a clipboard in her left hand and wheeling a cart with some medical equipment on it. “Hi, you must be Kei. I’m here to give you your blood test, so I want you to reach out your dominant arm and keep it still for a few minutes.” She got out the needle and hooked it up to the equipment on the cart. She waited for Tsukishima to nod, then she stuck the needle into his arm.

Tsukishima quickly squeezed Hinata’s hand to calm himself down, as he tried to not concentrate on the needle in his skin. He tried to slow his breathing because if he didn’t, he was going to have a panic attack.

Hinata’s eyes widened at the sight of the needle, but his attention was quickly drawn by the pressure in his hand. Seeing the panic on Tsukishima's face, Hinata squeezed back and whispered quietly, “I bet Kageyama would be crying if it were him.” hoping to lighten the mood.

Tsukishima chuckled and nodded, giving Hinata’s hand another squeeze. “Thank you,” he whispered to Hinata.

“Thank Kageyama,” Hinata laughed.

“No seriously, thank you.”

Hinata fidgeted slightly, embarrassed, but beamed down at Tsukishima. “I said I'd protect you,” he said, satisfied.

Tsukishima gave him another weak smile, staring at him for longer then he probably should have. His blood test finally finished and the nurse pulled the needle out, causing Tsukishima to wince. 

“I’m going to give this to one of the doctors to keep on file. You aren’t injured enough for us to have to stitch you up or anything, but we would like to keep you overnight, to make sure you’re safe.”

Tsukishima just nodded and laid his head down on the pillow, still holding onto Hinata’s hand.

“Can I stay with him?” Hinata asked, doing his best impression of puppy dog eyes.

The nurse sighed and looked at the two of them holding hands. “Fine, but don’t disturb any other patients.”

Sitting up straight, Hinata gave an earnest salute with his other hand. “Promise!” Turning to Tsukishima, he added, “I'll be your silent knight.” with a wide grin.

Tsukishima nodded and pulled the blankets up to cover him more so, trying to get warmer. “Fuck, it’s cold in here,” Tsukishima mumbled. 

Hinata’s brows furrowed in concern, until his eyes sparked with an idea.”Here!” He removed his jacket to drape it over Tsukishima.

“Won’t you be cold though?” Tsukishima asked, concerned. 

Hinata tilted his head in thought then pulled his chair even closer, so it clanged against the metal frame of Tsukishima’s bed. He awkwardly draped the bit of blanket that hung off the bed over his lap before shooting a thumbs up. “I’ll be fine,” he promised.

Tsukishima nodded uncertainly, but let himself relax. He reached out his hand again, secretly hoping that Hinata would grab it and intertwine their fingers once more. 

Still fixing the blanket to find the position that would provide the most warmth, Hinata saw fingers snaking over the material and smiled faintly. Settling down beneath the blanket, Hinata laced his fingers with Tsukishima’s and studied the door once more, lips curled in a smile.

Tsukishima smiled and blushed, squeezing Hinata’s hand softly. He closed his eyes and started to drift off into sleep.

Hinata stood up to look over at the sleeping Tsukishima, then looked to his left then right, making sure no one was there. When he knew that for certain, he leaned down and pecked Tsukishima on the lips, then sat back down again, until he dozed off to sleep as well.

What Hinata didn’t realize was that Tsukishima wasn’t yet asleep, and now was blushing quite hard. When he knew Hinata had closed his eyes, he smiled and looked over at him, then finally drifted off to sleep.


End file.
